Find a parenting style that corresponds with your values
“I was raised with a strict discipline approach. I just did what I was told as a kid – and I turned out fine.” This is a comment I frequently hear from parents when discussing the behavioral challenges they see in their children. When they were children themselves, they don't remember ever displaying the behaviors they see their children engaging in today – dilly-dallying through or refusing bedtime, completely ignoring direct requests, talking back, demanding to get whatever they want, or claiming dominance over their parents.
Parents today ask valid questions about why raising children seems harder than it was when they were kids. They don’t recall ever giving their own parents the difficulty they feel that their kids are giving them. They ask, “Why don't my kids behave as I did?”
Parenting styles
Inevitably we get into a discussion about parenting styles. Some parents will talk about the importance of considering their child’s opinions, needs and feelings while maintaining high expectations – more of an authoritative parenting style. Others are of the opinion that they should be able to simply ask for compliance and the child should follow along – more of an authoritarian parenting style. Because those words are so similar and often confused, I’ll call authoritarian parenting an “enforcer” mindset to parenting.
There are two other parenting styles as defined by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind that I won’t discuss in this column: permissive parenting, where parents have few expectations of and boundaries for their children, and uninvolved parenting which at the extreme can be neglect.
Parents using the authoritative style tend to be more responsive and nurturing. They have high expectations while allowing room for discussion, give kids the support they need to meet those expectations, and explain the reasons behind the limits they set. They use warmth, empathy and connection while maintaining firm boundaries. Some people call this style the “warm demander” or you could think of it as being a “parent consultant”.
With the enforcer (authoritarian) parenting style, parents take a more inflexible “my way or the highway” approach. They tend to use punishment, shame or the withdrawal of love to control their children. They don’t encourage discussion and expect obedience without question.
What does “turning out fine” mean to you?
When parents say to me, “I just did what I was told and I turned out fine,” I get curious. What created the environment where, when they were children, these parents simply did as they were told? Were they taught through a loving and nurturing relationship the values of cooperation and contribution? Were they an easy-going kid who simply followed along? Or did their parents use threats, punishment or shame to get them to fall in line? If it was the latter, I then want to ask, how did they feel about these fear-based tactics of being yelled at, spanked, or punished that got them to obey? What parts of themselves did they have to change or push away because of these tactics? And how did they feel about themselves or toward their parents when responded to this way?
Children who are raised with an enforcer parenting style can make a variety of conclusions based on how their parents respond to them: I can’t have any wants; I have to obey no matter what; I’m not allowed to have my feelings or opinions and have to hide them; or power over is the way to get others to do what you want, for example.
Because the first basic survival need of a child is to be connected with the people who take care of them, they will do whatever it takes to gain some sort of acceptance from their caregivers. This often means not questioning authority, becoming people pleasers or hiding who they truly are. Other children may rebel.
What are the tradeoffs when compliance is prioritized?
Part of your parenting style is grounded in your values and the idea of who you want your children to grow up to be – what character traits you hope they embody. If you value strict obedience and children who don’t question authority, then an enforcer parenting style might be one that works for you. If you value critical thinking, a sense of agency and empathy for others, you might want to consider a more authoritative parenting approach.
Creating an atmosphere of strict obedience in one’s household may create a peaceful atmosphere on some levels. There’s a lot to be said for a structured and easy bedtime and morning routine. Yet often what we see as obedient behavior may not translate into the underlying values or character traits parents might hope their children develop.
I think we all know shortcuts to obedient behavior. And, no judgement, we've all used some of them from time to time. We threaten, bribe, take away privileges or use our anger to get our kids to comply. Often these tactics work, especially in the short term. But what's the fallout in the long term? What are we really teaching?
It turns out obedience through an enforcer parenting style can lead to worse outcomes for children. Studies show an enforcer parenting style to be linked with challenging behavior, lower social competence, poorer academic performance and a higher risk for emotional problems including depression and anxiety. Of course these outcomes are context- and culture-dependent and will vary in every household. Yet, one can see how the lack of free agency and autonomous decision-making found in children raised with an enforcer parenting can appear in adulthood as poor self-knowledge, debilitating shyness, social ineptitude, and an increased, anxious reliance on external validation.
Raising children today feels significantly harder than in previous generations because the entire framework of parenting seems to have shifted from "control and obedience" to "intentional, high-investment nurturing". So where’s the balance? Is it too much to ask for a peaceful bedtime routine while also instilling the values parents might have for their children to have agency and a connected sense of themselves?
The middle ground
That's where true authoritative parenting comes in. With true authoritative parenting, parents work toward creating an atmosphere where their children trust them and see a reason behind the behavioral request – that we are asking them to do things for the good of all. It’s more about cooperation than compliance. Rather than just trying to enforce compliance, they encourage a child’s sense of autonomy, self-discipline, decision making and respect for others – all while holding their children to high, and developmentally appropriate standards. And children raised this way have better outcomes – socially, emotionally and academically.
What seems to be tripping up parents today is that often they have tipped the balance by overemphasizing the emotions and de-emphasizing the clear boundaries, consistency and follow through. There is a way to have both – and so much of it falls back on parents’ ability to regulate their own emotions and sit with their child in theirs. It takes a parent able to be with and tolerate their child’s disappointment and challenging emotions while also being firm with a boundary.
Values-based parenting
So much of raising children comes down to our values, yet often in the heat of the moment with an emotional child it can be hard to muster a response to our children that aligns with those values. And sometimes our values are competing: I want my child to have agency, empathy toward others and the ability to think for themselves, and, when thinking about bedtime, I also value peace, cooperation and my own time at night for myself or with my partner.
In general terms it can look like this: “I know you don’t like this decision but it’s a decision I/we have made because it’s my job to take care of you. It’s OK to be upset about it. I’m here if you want a hug.”
Consider aiming for an authoritative approach by acknowledging the child’s feelings, co-creating the limit when possible and holding the limit with warmth, understanding and consistency. With this approach, you can both find the cooperation and peace you are looking for in your home while also bringing up your children with your values that will serve them well into the future.
So when thinking about your parenting approach, start out with your values – what does “turning out fine” mean to you? Then backplan from there.
