How to help young athletes struggling with the mental side of the game
Have you ever seen your child come home from a sports event or practice with a negative mindset:
“I’m not good enough.”
“No matter how hard I work, I’ll never get better.”
“I shouldn't be on this team.”
Or perhaps your kids come off the field only talking about the bad plays and mistakes they made. Perhaps they lose their confidence because they haven’t been scoring or aren't getting much playing time. Or their nerves are so high on game day that they can't play well. Has your athlete’s focus on her performance, fear about making the team or the judgement of others watching her compete taken her out of the game? Has his negative self-talk and belief that he is his sport affecting his self concept and his mental health?
In my October 8 blog titled “As a sports parent, take away the pressure” I wrote about how the pressure parents place on their kids to perform in sport (and read between the lines – this can be with any activity) can change how kids feel about that sport and about themselves.
As parents it’s hard to know how to support young athletes without applying too much pressure or making it about a desired outcome. Also for parents it can be hard to know how to support kids struggling with their confidence and the mental side of the game.
Photo by RDNE Stock project
Helping kids see they are not their performance
It’s important to combat your kids’ performance in sport becoming their identities. To do this, make sure your kids know your love and approval aren’t dependent on their performance. Can you approach a win or a loss in similar ways – with curiosity and interest, and make the conversation more about their assessment rather than yours. “Hey, how was the game out there for you?”
If your child or teen asks you how they did, ask them what went well, what needs work, and encourage a growth mindset by asking them if there is anything they can work on. Refrain from offering unsolicited advice on how they could have done better, especially immediately after an event. If you have feedback that you think might be helpful, ask if they want to hear it first. At the same time, when they initiate the conversation or talk about playing poorly, it’s important not to sugar coat their experience. They know if they didn’t perform well so don’t negate their feelings.
We want to teach young athletes that their worth isn’t tied to an outcome. Make sure your conversations aren't all about improving, how they play compared to others or telling them they need to make a certain team or that they need sports to get into college. We want our kids to see that there are multiple ways to contribute to a team that may be deeper or just as important as scoring a goal.
Emphasize all the benefits of playing a sport. Perhaps they are the emotional glue that holds the team together, or their positive energy is what inspires the team. Perhaps they model hard work, integrity and grit. Depending on what sport your child or teen plays, there may be several players on the team – not everyone will be an all-star yet the team could not function without each member.
It's important to check your emotions too. When talking to your child or teen about their sport, sports psychologist Elliot Newell tells parents to ask themselves, “where am I, and where do I need to be?” If you are feeling worked up and tense about the event, you may need to calm yourself before you initiate conversation. Asking the same questions about your athlete can also help you decide whether now is a good time to talk, and may help you understand what they need from you – validation, empathy, encouragement or nothing at all.
Photo by Luis Andrés Villalón Vega
The mental side of the game
When thinking about helping an athlete develop mental skills, Newell talks about three components: an athlete’s character, their mental skills and the strategies they use.
Mental skills include using imagery, being able to refocus after a mistake, communicating well and managing one’s emotions after a setback. These are all skills that can be developed (and in fact should be an essential part of any coaches toolbox as well).
Strategies to meet the demands of the game
As parents, we can help focus our child's attention on strategies to manage the demands of the game. What are the demands of the sport and can we help our kids develop the mental skills to meet them? Skills such as recovering after a mistake, managing frustration or not getting down on oneself after a bad play are crucial to being a contributing member of a team.
Recovering after a mistake. Often players only have seconds after they make a mistake before they have to be back in the game. A quick recovery is essential for that next move. Sports psychologists talk about using breathing techniques and a ritual such as a catch phrase, script or a tap on their shin guards to help them refocus from their mistake to their next job.
Mindfulness. Mindfulness is also an important aspect of competing. It’s about noticing when you’ve been distracted and bringing yourself back to the present moment – and the next demand.
Self-assessment. Newell also notes the importance of reflection and self-assessment. Negative self-talk can become a self fulfilling prophecy. To combat this and help kids see the positives, Newell recommends journaling: athletes can write down two things they did well and one thing they want to get better at.
Mindset and self-talk. Dan Abrahams, author of “Soccer Tough” talks about creating a mindset statement – almost like a mission statement for when an athlete is competing. This statement of how they show up for events can become a blueprint and create imagery for who your athlete wants to be on the field. When the pressure is high in an intense competition, focus, self-talk and composure matter. Having a "mindset statement" can help athletes remember who they want to be.
If we know that both the mental skills and the strategies are things that can be developed, we can help an athlete see that their performance is not just about their character – who they are – and a growth mindset can be fostered. Newell goes on to say that with time, character traits such as resilience, work ethic and perseverance are things that can also be developed.
In the end we want to support kids in doing what is best for them. Participating in sports – or other activities such as theatre, debate or music – provides kids opportunities to not only discover their interests but also for them to develop skills that transcend the activity itself. These are skills that set them up for success in school, the workplace, and even in their personal lives. Sports is practice for life. It is our job as parents to support young athletes in finding their own way.
