Setting limits on screen use is a challenge

In my last blog titled “Where do you sit morally when it comes to screen use?”, I wrote about the inherent challenges of a “screen-based childhood” as described by Jonathan Haidt in “The Anxious Generation”. I raised the question of why it is so hard for us to enforce limits on these devices based on our moral values and what we believe to be good for our kids. 

Each reader here may have different thoughts on their kids’ screen use in terms of the quality and quantity of use, yet most parents I talk to find themselves stuck in frequent battles with their children about screen time. It can be one of parents' – and kids’ – biggest triggers.

Many parents are concerned about the issues raised in my previous blog. Why would a child or teen pick up a book, help around the house or spend time with you when they have a device enticing them with bright lights, moving pictures and an endless stream of content? It is hard to compete. These devices wire our brains toward “fast, fun and easy”, yet we know little worthwhile in life comes without hard work. It may leave our kids who grow into adults with a lot to learn, a sense of disappointment and an inability to put in the required effort. As Haidt says, “kids need to learn to do hard things”. 

And as parents we need to learn to do hard things too. It is incredibly hard to fight the endless emotional battles with our children over screen limits. Yet, as parents we need to manage our reactions to our children's strong emotions and set firm boundaries, often co-created with our children around tech use. 

The fact is, children and teens are growing up with screens. What we need to remember is that it’s not that screens are “inherently toxic. They’re neutral. It’s what we do with them that matters,” as psychologist Michael Rich notes.

So what do we do? I offer ideas suggested by various well known psychologists in the field of digital media use and raising children and teens. Pick and choose and see if any might work for your family.

Establish expectations and start early.  As psychologists Haidt, Lisa Damour and  Becky Kennedy (aka Dr. Becky) all note, it's much easier to maintain boundaries with your kids if you’ve been doing this starting at an early age. Specifically with screen time, be clear and consistent with the what and how much. Revisit these limits as your kids age. If your kids are older and you feel like you need to reign in their use, Damour says it’s easier to do if you’re seeing a problem. Do the algorithms have them sucked in so they are spending more time on their device than they had intended? Is the content harmful or inappropriate? Is it impacting their sleep, mental health or relationships? It is much easier to bring up the idea of a change if you, and preferably they, can acknowledge a problem. 

Delay. Delay. Delay. Most experts and research agree: Delay giving your child a device, and especially social media, for as long as possible. Damour suggests delaying social media until your child can no longer maintain their social connections otherwise. If they can maintain friendships with just texting, there is no need for social media. Haidt is adamant that kids should not have social media until age 16. Damour explains that not until age 14 do children develop skepticism – the ability to discern, question and doubt things, and to challenge what they see. This gives them an ability to not take everything they see for face value – an extremely important skill when exposed to any kind of media, and especially with the advent of AI.

Create agreements. In Dr. Becky’s podcast episode “How to Know if Your Kid Is Ready for a Phone” (October 7, 2024), she recommends starting out by placing yourself on the same team as your kids when creating these agreements. Kids are going to be more willing participants if they feel like they have a say in the matter and that they've been listened to. If you think your child is developmentally capable, co-create agreements with them around screen use. Talk about the what, when and where. What content can they engage in? What is the time limit for use? When and where can devices be used? Most experts agree that there should be no devices in the bedrooms and certainly not overnight. Talk about whether to ban device use during dinner time and shorter car rides, or create a scheduled “phone break” for everyone in the house. 

Talk about the pros and cons of devices. Talk about the fact that devices impact our ability to focus and connect with others and how you want to mitigate those impacts. Create habits with home use for the whole family. What is the homework routine and how are phones involved? Where do you put your phone when you come into the house – is it always in your pocket? 

Talk about norms. Has what your kids are exposed to on digital media become normalized? Has racial, homophobic, violent, socially exclusive or body image content become the norm? How do they feel about that? Is that what they want to be exposed to, or who they want to be?

Parental controls. Kids can be exposed to all sorts of content, including porn, at a very young age. Parental controls on any device are important. 

Model. If you want your kids to have a healthy relationship with digital media, you have to model that for them. Make sure you prioritize the people in front of you and be mindful of your own screen use. See my July 26, 2023 column Parenting in the age of distraction.

Be a “sturdy leader.” Dr. Becky invites parents to be “sturdy leaders” – parents who can be grounded in their own emotions even when their child isn’t, validate and empathize with their child in their challenges, and hold boundaries in a firm and kind way. We can’t expect our children and teens to be willing participants when we hold a boundary. We can learn to expect their pushback, regulate ourselves in these moments, understand where our kids are coming from and still hold the boundary. 

Find community. It is hard to fight the tide of pervasive societal screen use alone. Kids will find it hard not to have the social media platform that most others are using. Yet if more kids are not using those platforms it is easier for your child not to have them. Engage with other families, perhaps parents of your kids’ friends if you feel comfortable. See if as a group you can delay the use of social media.

Adhering to limits with platforms, games and videos on such enticing digital devices can be hard for us all. Stick to what you believe in while also taking into consideration what is important to your kids. With open communication, understanding and being that “sturdy leader,” together you can create a healthy relationship with these devices for yourselves and for your kids.