Homework — Who’s work is it?

“What has happened is that we have made our kids’ homework more important to us than it is to them.”

What does homework time look like in your house? Do your kids sit down and get their homework done without much input from you? Or does it feel like more of a battle?

First it might start with procrastination, jumping up from the table over and over or turning toward digital devices. Our hackles start to rise – so we begin to micromanage, nag, or remind. Our kids then push back and the bickering ensues until it can erupt into the homework wars.

If our kids do eventually settle, the homework can be so hard or confusing that they ask for our help, yet our help often makes them more frustrated. The more we try to help, the more frustrated they get. It can end in tears or anger.

Who can blame the kids? They’ve been in school sitting at desks and following someone else’s instructions all day. Who can blame the parents? Homework and the skills required to sit down and get it done feel so important. It’s hard to watch our kids, who we know have the capability to do well, fail to apply themselves. And if our kids have learning differences, it’s hard to know how to help them navigate a system that doesn’t quite match how their brains are wired. 

Yet, often the more we push our kids with our reminders, reasoning and ultimatums, and the more we send our kids the message that they are failing to live up to expectations, the more they may dig in their heels and continue to refuse to do their work. We send the message that someone other than themselves is responsible for getting the work done, and our kids come to realize they don’t have to do their work until someone “makes” them do it.

What has happened is that we have made their homework more important to us than it is to them. We have taken away all their control and sense of agency. It can feel to the child as if the only way to assert their own identity is to not do their homework. 

William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of “The Self-Driven Child” say that our kids need us to offer help while also imparting the message that no one can make them do their work; it is their life and they are going to get out of it what they put into it. Yet that backing away and leaving our kids to their own devices can be so scary because what if… What if they don’t step up to the plate? What if they lose all motivation? What if they fail out of school? 

As Stixrud and Johnson say, instead of us trying to make them successful, when our kids are given the chance to figure it out on their own, often they find their own success. 

Ask yourself, who is spending more energy on your child’s homework, you or your child? If it is you, this leaves little room for your child to spend this energy themselves because you have taken up all that space. I know it can be scary to back away, but this is what your child really needs – if you are doing everything for them, they will never learn how to run their own lives. 

And here’s the kicker, the alternative is not to just let them fail. There is a middle ground. It’s being supportive without being controlling. It’s being what the authors call being a “parent consultant” the subject of my April 20, 2022 column. We still guide, support and set limits for our kids, but as Stixrud and Johnson say, we also make it clear that their lives are their own. “Remember that your job is not to solve your children’s problems but to help them learn to run their own lives.”

Here are some things you can say to your children, as suggested by Stixrud and Johnson:

“I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.” 

“What we are no longer willing to do is to act like it’s our job to make you work – because we’ll weaken you if we do.”

And instead of saying, “Do you have homework tonight?”, ask “Is there anything you’d like help with tonight?”

Sit down with your kids and try to problem solve together. Empathize with their situation. Ask what is tripping you up? What would work for you? What support do you need? Let them choose a time that works for them to do their homework. Create a space that feels inviting and free from digital distraction. Tell them the times you are available to help if requested.

We need to give up the enforcer role as early as we can – and not wait until we think our kids are competent and mature enough to tackle their studies on their own. They need practice and they need to be given responsibility.

Some kids will eventually rise to the occasion once their parents have taken a step back and they have their own control. But this will not happen overnight and without challenge. Support is important. Enlist tutors, older high school students, therapists, teachers and guidance counselors. Kids can be motivated if they realize they may have to repeat a class or even a  grade and not move forward with their friends. While this option may feel like you are failing your child who may lose valuable ground, what is the other option? To continue to micromanage and fight and erode the relationship while not making any headway in your child's ability to self motivate and learn how to manage their own life?

This is hard stuff. Reach out for support where you can, and if this column piques your interest, I encourage you to dive deeper and grab a copy of “The Self-Driven Child”.

Originally published in Jackson Hole News and Guide